Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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