Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
