she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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