i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
