wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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