Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
