Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We are two peas in an std pod
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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