i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
