So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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