i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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