My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
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