He uses pillows to masturbate.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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