Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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