So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
