he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
