I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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