Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
