I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
