I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
