my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
