At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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