Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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