My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We got so high we made milksteak
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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