get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
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I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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