maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
