Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
