I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
