I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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