omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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