epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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