new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
