Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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