She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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