you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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