I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
