Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
