Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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