also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
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I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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