I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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