I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
