I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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