you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
being pregnant is like rehab
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
