dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
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The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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