Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
