hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
