Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
