The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
