She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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