I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
