Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wannas sexs uuuuu
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She bit a glass in half.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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