WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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