i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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