I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
