you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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